volunteer? ministry? what can i get involved in?

i never used to be a morning person, but i've been trying to change that about myself. i started setting my alarm at 6am so that i could wake up and read the Bible and eat breakfast, and do it leisurely, instead of trying to rush through everything in 10 minutes and still make it to work in time! after a while, i started waking up 10-15 minutes before my alarm would go off, but i always just chalked it up to my body knowing that my alarm was about to ring...

however, more recently, i've been waking up at 5:18 every morning! it's unusual for me to simply wake up and feel like i need to get started on my day so early. i started asking God what message he has to share with me that early, because i don't think i'm waking up on my own simply to get up at 5. and i'm hoping that He will lead me towards a ministry i can get involved in, one that i could even help lead! i miss those times when i was active in the church, when we were the social activities directors, when we would sing the praise songs as part of one of the bands, when i was student missions director at la sierra and i had a group of friends that would lead out in church services all over southern california. looking back on it, i always participated in a group, by that, i mean, i had a group of friends who participated with me. and now i'm looking for a group here in my town, where most of my sda friends live in other cities... so i guess i'm looking for a new group? or a new ministry? or a way i can connect with a community here and be involved. i'm not sure in what way or capacity, but i know i want to, and i know i should. even if it's volunteering somewhere... but where?

one of the ministries several years back was when my roommates and i used to be one of the praise groups at church, and i sang lead vocals in "you are beautiful, my sweet sweet song". i think it's awesome when i can rely on songs from the past for strength. i find myself humming the tune and not even realizing what song it is, and then when i start singing the words i find comfort and strength in them. to me, those are little gifts from God, he's blessed me with the tune and the ability to sing.

anyhow, i hope you enjoy this song too

communion with God

the biggest blessing is that when i wake up 20-30 minutes before my alarm goes off, i've been turning over my thoughts to God. i've been asking Him to help me surrender my thoughts to Him and asking Him to fill me with good thoughts, to help me commune with Him, and to help me focus on the positive instead of the negative. i've also asked Him to help me focus on Him instead of on others.

Sabbath morning was a particular blessing as i woke up in a rather foul mood, and i was begging God to take away those thoughts from me. and as i was lying there talking to Him, i felt like He had a message for me. it was perhaps the first tangible way we've 'talked' like that, and that's been something i've been looking for for a long time! i'd like to remember that feeling...

the next blessing was that i called my parents to share the message i was given, (partly to check that the message was one that was given to me, and not one that i made up simply because i wanted to believe it), and i talked with my dad for an hour about checking God's messages against the Bible, and it was a healing experience for me to talk to my dad about ministry stuff. i've been shying away from stuff like that and our relationship has been strained in the past, but things are improving for us!

i guess i just want to praise God publicly for turning a hardship into a blessing, and for bringing me closer to Him, and for improving my relationship with Him and with my parents. and if my story can help anyone else in their walk with Him too, i hope that you find inspiration in my story and that you turn to God to help you through any problems you're facing. psalm 66:17, 20

this is my heart's desire

i've been trying to be "obedient" to God's will but i guess i'm still a little confused on the concept. over the years as i've struggled with the idea of "God talking to people" and "knowing God's will", i've had to make several decisions which were torturous. i remember trying to figure out if i was supposed to be a missionary to japan or not, and no option i chose seemed right. it felt like i was making the decisions for the wrong reasons, and i was afraid of not doing God's will. people would tell me, no matter what you choose, God can take any situation and make it work out for the best if you trust Him.

so this is me, following a path i didn't choose, but still trying to trust Him. i don't know what that fully means, because it somewhat feels like i'm trusting in an unknown. i mean, i have faith that He will take care of me, and i have faith that everything will work out for good. but then there are also passages in the Bible that say

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." ~ Psalm 37:4,5

is it possible to still be trusting him if i'm pleading for what i want? or am i supposed to trust in Him and try to change my heart? what does obedient mean? am i supposed to empty out my heart and ask Him to fill it with His desires? the Bible is full of stories of people who have pleaded with God and He's granted them their wishes because of their relationship with Him. but then, some of those stories haven't turned out for the best - almost like it's a "fine, you can have what you want, but you have to live through the pain of it." it's all very confusing to figure out how much i'm supposed to surrender over to God. i've gotten as far as the "trust in Him" and am hoping i can figure out a direction to turn...

so many things to say... and no words with which to adequately say it.

so, i will just say that life is hard. things aren't what you expected. and they don't always work according to the plan. and yet... i still want those things.

and i still feel like it was God's will for my life... so why isn't it working? that doesn't make sense to me!

i don't know how to cope with that...